This American Ex-Wife is another book where I wish it was just a memoir and the author didn’t try to make so many connections to the greater world. I don’t think they worked as well as they could have. Unlike Geraldine DeRuiter, she is a journalist and experienced researcher but it doesn’t help as much as you’d think. Maybe an editor or agent should have guided her more into the memoir side of things but I think she wrote the book she wanted to write and probably would have been resistant to making it just about her own story. She very clearly believes her experiences are nearly universal in heterosexual marriages.

I felt like there was one major misstep in the book and it suffered for it. She didn’t explore why do so many women expect and accept so little from men and why do so many men act this way. This should have been the thread to tie the book together. To me, that is the core issue at the center of what made her marriage and so many others end.

Her family of origin seems deeply troubled and no doubt a large part of why she ignored so many red flags about her husband. She talked about how she got married when the abuse of her sibling by a family member was being swept under the rug and wanted stability but surely there was something else that brought her to this particular man?

Early on in the book she discovers a book of conversation starters from early in their relationship that she had bought because he wouldn’t talk to her in a box of her belongings he had hidden from her over the years because he didn’t like them. That really tells you all you need to know about this guy and I can see how that discovery would be the final straw.

What I never understood is why would she marry someone who couldn’t even hold a conversation with her in the very beginning of their relationship? What did she like about him? I get that she doesn’t like him now, but she did marry and have children with him so surely she liked him at some point? If not, why did she marry him? I feel like this something I shouldn’t still be wondering about.

He didn’t seem to like her and they didn’t seem to have anything in common. His family seemed odd—quizzing her about sports as some “test”—and instead of telling them she isn’t interested in old sports trivia she spends her time learning about the game to “pass”. At first I had wondered if she was looking for a stable, loving family to join as a reaction to her own family of origin’s disfunction and that drew her to her husband but his family seemed like a stressful mess too. I guess familiarity even if it was misery might have been a draw?

To be fair, she does seem late to realize that women are people herself but nothing about their marriage, his family or wedding or anything leading up to it sounds the least bit pleasant and I don’t think that can be chalked up to being young. I would have liked more of an exploration of this. Was it religion? Lack of exposure to the concept of happiness?

Why is everyone she grew up with and surrounds herself with now seem so miserable? I know she is asking people about divorce more than the average person and that would skew what people share with you but it seems like everyone she comes in contact with has a bad marriage or is a bad person themselves. I kept hoping she’d make a very big, positive change in her life and meet new people and truly start anew but I guess the children keep her tethered to her ex-husband.

Even after her divorce she seems very passive and more worried about appearances and what other people think than her own safety which is difficult to read.

I hope she is getting to the bottom of this in therapy and her children are as well so they don’t repeat the family traditions of bad marriages and people pleasing.

I feel like the book could be helpful to women who are trapped, like she is, into thinking that just because someone isn’t actively physically abusing they are a good person and you should stay married to them or keep giving them chances. If you have a healthier relationship with other people, good boundaries and a sense of self, this book is less helpful. Interesting to read but not helpful.